Run.On.Sentences...

“I love you without knowing your name. I tried to show you with my eyes, but you never looked.”

Sterling

Not every flower can say love, but a Rose can. Not every plant survives thirst, but a Cactus can. Not every retard can read, but look at you go. Pass this on to a fucked up friend, just as I’m doing. I don’t care if you lick windows or fuck farm animals. You hang in there cup-cake, you’re fucking special to me, you’re my friend and look at you smiling at your computer. Fucking Tard. :p

My surroundings are a plethora of eclectic portions.

Ultimate convulsions, natural at its best. 

The outcast of society, so aperture but rarely a scene and only part time.

Denial happens when one is coherent enough to deny. 

What ideas do I have to sway the vote. 

Should I be assertive, why aren't you!? 

I have "No" game it seems any-more.

You might miss people, it doesn't mean they should be in your life.

Second Entry.

Its 4:23a.m and sleeping these days are few and far between. So I figured why not write something down while you have the time. I’ve come to a point in my life where I feel change has to happen. The feeling that I should be doing so much more with my life and knowing I have so much more to offer to myself and others in this short lifetime I live. I’ve noticed I forget to be grateful for just the simplest of things that we all have in our lives.  This is true with most people.  It’s easy to do and much easier to get caught up with life and forget it’s a privilege and no body owes us anything.

With so much going on upstairs in this brain of mine these days, I need to start writing down what I’m thinking at the moment because I’ve noticed if I don’t get it down immediately it will be just a lost thought.  I wish I started doing this a decade ago. This would have most likely resolved many issues I’ve chosen to bottle up. Or should I say “Bottoms-up”, thinking it the normal thing to do because we all have our problems and who am I to complain. I’ve never been that type of person and continue to stay that way.  I guess this would be a good time to mention I had no real parental upbringing which probably stems most of my problems. I was raised solely by my step-father and he did the best he could given the circumstances and would never pass blame on him surely. He raised two boys alone, one not being his own. (That would be me) I think he is a wonderful man and I aspire to be more like him every day and wouldn’t trade him in for anything. He wasn’t around very much do to taking on work wherever he could to support us. I can’t imagine how tough it was for him.  But understand now.  My “step-father” in which I call him Dad was a brave man taking on two boys as a single father. He’s the true definition of what a father should be regardless of the blood stream.  Now it’s time for me to be a man and start healing and growing more as a person. This I plan to do through words my actions and Therapy of course.  This is something I’ve come to the conclusion I finally need to surrender to. I’m not looking for sympathy and I’m not oblivious to fact that there are people in this world that have had far worse upbringings or misfortunes that have happened  in their lives. I’m just want to get to the bottom of why I’ve behaved in such a manner for so long. 

I’ve heard the saying “people don’t change” Well, I would like to dispel such a saying. I want to prove that someone such as me that has been selfish, irresponsible, mean, un-thoughtful.  I’ve been a cheater (in the past), a liar, misogynistic, egotistical, manipulating person and just plain uncaring at times, drowning it all with the bottle of course. This is just the short list sadly and will be adding to that once I do a full inventory. 

People put so many meanings to life or are in constant search of such a thing.  Is there such a thing? I feel we’re here for a sort period, and then we’re gone. Don’t over analyse it. It’s just that. We’re just a small insignificant piece of the puzzle the universe has already mapped out. I just want to make everything in between count. So for now, I choose to dumb it down and live life with more purpose. Live just for today and tackle tomorrow when that day arrives. I’ll leave the rest up to a higher power that really controls all of our destinies.

I had many days of sobriety; some would say I should just completely put the bottle down, however I feel it’s far deeper than that.  That might be a good start though.  This I’ve done in the past but never dealt with the emotions that came with doing so. Instead I chose to suppress them,  it was much easier that way. It’s time to grow up, accept and embrace these emotions and truly analyse the meaning behind them. This will take some time surely, however I’m not afraid any more.

While growing up, sometimes I wished I lived in my best-friends shoes or other peers around me, thinking they had it all, living the life I’ve always wished for, and forgetting to look at what I really had and to be truly grateful for just that. Some examples would be my health, friends, and family. When I say “Family” they would be the ones that have adopted me into theirs. 

I’m slowly starting to grow up (a decade longer than anticipated) and I know I have a long journey ahead to get to the person I’m truly capable of being. I know I have so much to offer and am finally getting excited to start giving back instead of always take, take, taking. 

If you’re actually reading this, I apologize if it’s all over the place. Bare(feet) with me, this is just how my brain works and I’m just trying to put it all together now and put it out there without any reservations. No bullshit. This is the real me, like it or not and to be honest, you opinion doesn’t mean shit to me.

We all have opinions and are far from being perfect.  This is something I now know I will never achieve. Thinking so is delusional. I’m positive I’m a few lose screws to being a finished product and will always be a work in progress.  I now know we never stop growing as a person, whether it is mentally, this of course is inevitable or if it’s just plain getting older, again inevitable. I want with my life to hopefully inspire others that it’s okay to be the way you are. Whether you suffer from depression, bi-polar-ism or just about any other mental disorder it okay. This is something I’ve come to the conclusion I have been struggling with all my life. I found it was much easier to put on a smile on, then actually deal with what was really going on and now realizing and learning I’m not alone.

Let’s talk about A.D.D. — I’m almost certain I suffer from that as well.  But I’ll leave that up to the experts despite the numerous books I’ve read up on the subject. Sounds contradicting, someone with A.D.D finishing books. Contrary to belief, people with A.D.D or suffer from addictions and depression, can severely hyper-focus when the brain is stimulated on something they’re completely interested in. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fallen asleep reading books that just don’t mentally stimulate me or to Movie’s I can already predict the endings.  I’m sure the “DOC” will want to prescribe me some type of medication to deal with this. However, I’m choosing the cognitive approach. I just flat out don’t trust the Pharmaceutical industry. They seem to be too quick to prescribe and don’t take time to really get to the bottom of each individuals problem before doing so. I also believe a lot of what people end up being diagnosed with is mostly preconceived on their own.  This might even be the case with me. I will get to the bottom of this one day.  I’m also aware I’m very naïve and ignorant to most things and will never claim to know-it-all. But I do feel I see the world differently than most, and would like to shed my views to as many people as possible.

We want so badly to feel a sense of belonging and I’ve seen so many go to great lengths to do so.  Why is it that when a new fad, fashion, haircut, slang ect… that so many feel the need to conform?  Is it just human nature to be this way? I should have studied Sociology. I would have probably loved it. (Guaranteed) I guess no one wants to be the outcast and everybody wants to fit in somewhere. Something I feel we are predisposed to.  I know I’ve live outside the box, not following traditional ways or living by what’s right and what’s wrong. All this while still wanting to be accepted of course. Seeing things differently is a positive quality in which I need to embrace another thing I have to be grateful for and not just snuff it aside and focus on the negatives. It’s much easier to do that most times. I’m trying to change this way of thinking.

BLAH BLAH BLAHhhhhhh……I have so much to say, and most of it has little to no importance to anybody. Whatever, I’ll keep writing anyways. Just getting it from my head to paper is often the most difficult thing to do….. It’s a start. That’s it for now. My brain is suffering from information overload and I’m noticing my thought process jumping from one thought to another more than usual. So this is probably a good time to stop.

It already feels better just letting this out.

Sterling :)